Prior (H-R) S-Z

safe
Ernst installs a new safe. He has trouble opening it, even though the Arizona map concealing the safe has push pins that spell out the combination. Buddy points it out to the deceitful and crooked Mel Trout: "10 Mile Lake, 2 Rivers, and 29 Palms."

Sam [Robert B. Ramsden]
The chef at the Bar None Ranch. He's noted for being a little touchy. [NNMNG]

sap
Two visiting snowbirds observe how Mel's co-workers take advantage of her. They helpfully tell her that they had a word for people like her at the phone company where they used to work: a sap. [NNMNG]

Sara [Danielle Blanchard Foster]
Mr. Ernst's ex-wife, which also makes her Buddy's mom and Jake's aunt. After the divorce, Sara remains in New Jersey, while Mr. Ernst and Buddy start up the Bar None. Buddy lures her to the ranch and makes a doomed attempt to reunite his parents, but that relationship appears deader than Ted's college applications. Sara possesses an East Coast snooty air, and finds the western ranch lifestyle dusty and uncomfortable. But thanks to Brad, she does learns to ride a horse before heading back to New Jersey (alone). [EXS]

Mr. Satkina [Robert Morningstar]
Owner of Happy Water Well Drillers, the only drillers in town. He's also a traditional Hopi Indian. When the Bar None's water supply is threatened by drought, Mr. Ernst makes the mistake of bargaining with Mr. Satkina. To an Indian, questioning his price is like questioning his honor. Only the concerted efforts of Danny and the gang convince Mr. Satkina to dig the desperately needed well extension. Mr. Satkina loves cartoons. [Rain]

sea sponge for a brain
Because Danny fails to answer every sample Brainbusters question, Buddy claims he has a sea sponge for a brain. Later, while Buddy describes the talents of Tawny Dawn, Danny says she has the sea sponge for a brain. [Supe]

Hank Sears [Richard Milenkovich]
A thief who visits the Bar None. He pretends to be a well-heeled guest who gets robbed of his valuable gold watch. After all the guests place their valuables in the safe, his dad, Mel Trout, manipulates Buddy into revealing the secret combination. After Sears pulls a pistol on the gang, Mr. Ernst wrestles him to the ground. [PF]

secrets
Secrets are responsible for turmoil on the Bar None as Ted and Mel have a hard time keeping a lid on them. Eventually, all the kids' worst secrets are revealed:
  • Brad showed up at a school costume party in a chicken suit, but it was a formal shool dance.
  • Danny was responsible for the Great Flood in Mr. Ernst's office bathroom.
  • Melody has a crush on Eddie Hammerfink, a visiting musclehead.
  • Ted's middle name is Aloicious. [LL]

Shermie [Sean Robison]
Also known as Shermie the Weasel. He's a young, mouthy, goofy looking kid who kowtows to Roy Bigelow. "What is thy bidding, my master?" He often precedes Roy, cleaning off his seat and building up Roy's reputation. He hnags out with Roy because he used to constantly get beat up at school. [JF]

showers
The Bar None staff showers are located outdoors! It almost looks like a wooden horse stall erected on one of the porches. While taking his morning shower, Mr. Ernst discovers the hard way that the ranch is out of water. Later, Ted catches Brad taking an unauthorized shower by peeking under the stall. [Rain]

Sir Pants-a-lot
When Ted perceives Kyle horning in on his action (Brad), he refers to his "chilavrous" rival as Sir Pants-a-lot. [JG]

Skippy
In Mr. Ernst's original murder-mystery script, this is Buddy's role as Rock Lovejoy's ungrateful son. Skippy conspires with Biff (Jake) to kill Mr. Ernst and inherit the newly-discovered gold. When Kyle gets confused by the script names, Mr. Ernst rewrites the script using the staff's real names. [MHW]

sleepwalking
Ernst Affliction #65, Mr. Ernst has a problem with sleepwalking. As usual, no cause and no specified cure, but in between, Mr. E hands out cow bells to the entire staff to wake him should he sleepwalk again. [War]

Mr. Smelt
The previous owner of the Bar None. He recommended that Ted be assigned Senior Staff, claiming Ted to be a good and hard worker. "And I believed him!" exclaims Mr. Ernst. Smelt also mentioned something about Ted winning Capture the Flag. [War]

Smelt Trophy
The coveted trophy, "Awarded annually to the Bar None champion Capture the Flag team", as it is inscribed. It is named after Mr. Smelt, the previous owner of the Bar None. [War]

Smokey
A sorrel sport horse at the Bar None. Mr. Ernst, er, make that Cowboy Ben, demonstrates his new found cowboy prowess to the kids by mounting Smokey...backwards. [CE]

snare drum
The code word Buddy uses to cause Jake to act upon a post-hypnotic suggestion: howl at the moon like a coyote. Jake seems genuinely oblivious to this behavior, and Buddy happily abuses that fact. [NNMNG]

sneakers
Let's let Danny describe it: "I wouldn't wear those sneakers if I were you. They are made out of rubber and the Indians did discover rubber plants." Ted and Danny made a bet that Ted can't go a week without using things the Indians provided. [BB]

Snowbirds [Lynn Baehr and Marian Walk]
Two retired ladies who used to work for the telephone company. They're a little eccentric. When they notice the other kids taking advantage of Melody, they tell her that she's a sap. Then they reward Mel's hard work with a twenty-five cent tip. "For your college education!" [NNMNG]

soda
Let's let Danny describe it: "I probably don't have to tell you that the first soda was quina. The Indians discovered that. And lots of soda flavors come from plants grown in the New World before Columbus ever discovered it." Then Danny confiscates Ted's two sodas because they've made a bet that Ted can't go a week without using things the Indians provided. [BB]

sore feet
Ernst Affliction #1. In an attempt to appear authentic to the guests, Mr. Ernst disregards Danny advice not to wear his new boots. Sure enough, he's later pouring Barton's Hoof Dressing into a bucket and soaking his feet in it. But Danny was right about that too -- the stuff burns!

Southwest Dude Ranch Guide
A book that contains reviews of dude ranches. Mr. Ernst gets all in a lather when he is tipped that a reviewer will pay a secret visit. Brad's parent subscribe to this publication. In fact, Brad found out about her job from an ad in here. They talk about this like a magazine, but Mr. Ernst waves around a paperback instead. [SS]

Space Agency
In the Hey Dude world, this is NASA. Lester and Boyd, the misidentified alien invaders, are government employess who actually work for the Space Agency. [TMTYL]

Special Guest [Paul R. Secrest]
He's the critic sent by the Southwest Dude Ranch Guide to evaluate the Bar None Ranch. He's a portly, unassuming gentleman. While Mr. Ernst desperately tries to identify the critic, he ends up sucking up to all the wrong guests. But as the special guest leaves, he tells the oblivious Mr. Ernst that he had a wonderful time. [SS] Paul Secrest also plays the Mr. Vleck character.

Splice magazine
A (presumably) fictional teen idol magazine. Ted is studying up Bobby Rogers, and he's on the cover of this mag. The headline reads "Bobby! The Love Report!" and Bobby is shown with his hand in the vicinity of a girl's. Bobby disparages the magazine and its ilk for making up those romance stories. [SS]

sprinklers
Ernst Project #18. Mr. E tries to install an automatic sprinkler system, but busts the hot water main. He finally gets it installed, but it ends up spraying most of its water through his own office window. [CL]

summer school
Ted receives a letter from his high school, telling him that there's been a screw up in the records and he must immediately attend summer school (English Lit). Ted keeps this information secret until after his date with Brad. Ted eventually finishes summer school, wins the lottery, and returns to the Bar None. [Date]

surveyors [Michael Fleming & Rene Lopez]
When the kids see surveyors on the ranch, they think the ranch is being expanded. Instead, they find that Mr. Ernst is preparing to sell the Bar None to commercial real estate developers. [CE]

Sylvester
Ted's main riding horse, an old appaloosa gelding. [BotS] [EotW]

Team Bar None
Another of Ted's ideas for the Bar None Promotional Video. Ted will drive the high performance Porsche in the Arizona Grand Prix, a race which doesn't exist. [GBO]

Team Brad
Ted and Kyle volunteer to be Brad's handlers for the Miss Bar None pageant. Brad agrees after finding out Jake and Danny are helping Melody. [MT]

Team Melody
Jake and Danny help organize Melody into the Miss Bar None beauty pageant winner. Jake organizes the entertainment portion, while Danny provides intelligence on the opposition and judges. Ted is rebuffed from joining Team Melody, so he goes to help Brad. [MT]

Ted School of Romance
Melody enrolls in the course to make sure she doesn't make an idiot of herself when she dates an older guy. Ted's course is broken down into two parts: Conversation, and Walking with a Guy. [RfR]

Conversation

  1. The most important thing to do is act like whatever he says is the most interesting thing you've ever heard.
  2. Guys love it when girls talk about sports. Bring up the subject and agree with everything he says.

Walking with a Guy

  1. When walking, it's important to get some kind of physical contact. Lightly brush against him with your shoulder and arm, as if by accident.
  2. Sit somewhere small enough that you'll have to scrunch together.

Tedettes, The
Ted's idea of an all-girl country & western band that will sing harmonies on "The Ballad of the Bar None". [GBO]

Ted-wasaki
Ted McGriff's Asian pen pal, whom Ted is helping out when he "Asks Jake" for some relationship advice. Ted-wasaki really likes Brad-wong, but Kyle-chang has horned into his action and spoiled everything. Mail your bills to Ted-wasaki, Tokyo, 90714. [DD]

Mr. Thompson
When Mel and Ted play charades to guess which guest is the subject of a crush, Mel lists off Mr. Thompson. Nope. [LL]

Tiffany
One of Ted's transitory romantic interests (which doesn't automatically make her interested in him). As a young, female guest of the Bar None, she shares a place in his memory with Charlene...and Heather...and Jennifer. Actually, as a blonde owner of a tiny bikini, her memory is a little clearer in Ted's mind. [PitN]

Timber
One of the horses at the Bar None Ranch. In an attempt to demonstrate his riding prowess to Brad and Bobby Rogers, Ted gallops Timber into the picnic area. [SS]

Timmy the Magic Shrimp
A Saturday morning cartoon character. When Buddy finds out the Brainbuster game show tour is in town, he asks him some sample questions. When asked what character Jack Lord played in Dr. No, Danny brightly replies "Timmy the Magic" shrimp. [Supe] When Ted draws up his Capture the Flag designs, Danny and Mel are offended by what they interpret as Timmy "in the clutches of the evil Lobster King." Ted tells them that the design is an eagle clutching a lightning bolt. Danny and Melody even sing the theme song to the show, which is basically the word "Timmy" repeated over and over. When the Blue Team finally finds the flag, Jake recognizes the shrimp as Timmy. Which is weird, since the shrimp on the flag is really a crustacean-type shrimp, not a cartoon character. [War]

toilet paper
Edith and Richard Hilliard's family made their fortune in toilet paper, a fact they don't care to publicize -- ever. After the Hilliard's insulting stay at the ranch, the kids get the last laugh as they tie streamers of toilet paper to the undercarriage of the Hilliard limo as it beats a retreat. [HC]

tool-thingies
As Mr. Ernst describes them, these are items found inside a toolbox. [NKOTB]

Tornadoes
The local Tucson baseball team, presumably minor league. When the Bar None Ranch plays the Snake Eyes Ranch in a baseball game, Mr. Ernst enlists the services of Frankie "Flash" McGuire, a star on the Tornadoes. [DR]

trail mix
Let's let Danny describe it: "Trail mix comes from things the Indians grew over hundreds and hundreds of years ago. Look at this, you've got pumpkin seeds, pecans, peanuts, uh, sunflower seeds. Look at this, all from stuff the Indians grew." Then Danny confiscates Ted's trail mix because they've made a bet that Ted can't go a week without using things the Indians provided. [BB]

treasure
When Ted finds some old clues in the garbage, he's convinced it leads to buried treasure. Eventually, he figures out that the treasure is buried beneath the floor of Mr. Ernst's office. While the others distract Mr. Ernst, Ted and Danny cut open the floorboards. But what they find is Mr. Ernst's stash of poetry. [TT]

Mel Trout William Kiehl]
A thief who visits the Bar None. He takes advantage of Buddy's dissatisfied relationship with Mr. Ernst. Trout befriends the boy, playing the "perfect father," and manipulates Buddy into revealing the combination to the Ranch safe. Mel's real son, Hank Sears, acts as an accomplice, staging a fake theft so the guests are all scared into storing their valuable in the safe. Buddy's spy camera catches Mel in the act of stealing the safe's valuables. [PF]

Aunt Trudy
Brad says she would least like to be handcuffed to her Aunt Trudy, a woman who constantly eats raw garlic. [T&BGH]

tubs
Jake's affectionate term for his drum set. [NKOTB]

Tuesday the 13th
Superstitious Jake says Tuesday the 13th is like Friday the 13th -- in Spain, that is. So never speak Spanish on that day, as it's very bad luck. Danny asks Jake if they have their own series of slasher films, like Tuesday the 13th: Jason takes Madrid. Jake is not amused. [Supe]

tuna casserole
During the battle of the sexes, the girls make a tuna casserole for the cooking contest. Their concoction is obviously more palatable than the guys' cupcakes, but they should have told Buddy, the tasting judge, who is allergic to tuna. [BotS]

Bob Twilight
An Indian friend of Danny's. He performs tribal dances and tells stories. Vying for Employee of the Week honors, Danny considers bringing him to the ranch to give some shows to the guests. [EotW]

vanilla ice cream
At the end of a trying couple of days where Ted has been unable to use things discovered by the Indians (included many, many foodstuffs), he begs for some of Danny's vanilla ice cream cone. Ted correctly guesses that Indians discovered vanilla. But Danny feels the now-enlightened Ted deserves it, so he hands the cone to Ted. Ted savors the moment, but just as his tongue touches the delicious concoction, it teeters off the cone and falls to the floor. [BB]

Vince
One of the bushy mustached adult ranch hands at the Bar None. He holds a corral gate open for Brad. [TP]

Karl Vleck [Don Wyllie]
The younger, scrawnier, and less mentally duller of the two Vleck brothers. Their parents own the competing Snake Eyes Ranch. He's the starting pitcher for the Snake Eyes when they play the Bar None in a baseball game. [DR] When he and his brother Lonnie show up to fight Roy Bigelow, Jake offers the following proposition: "You fight the Vlecks, and then everyone will be happy." Lonnie agrees, but Karl wisely figures out that there's nothing in it for them. Thanks to Karl's quick thinking, they score a date with Brad and Mel, but Lonnie knocks himself out before the fight even begins. [JF]

Lonnie Vleck [Paul Olmer]
The older, bigger, and mentally duller of the two Vleck brothers. Their parents own the competing Snake Eyes Ranch. He's the catcherfor the Snake Eyes when they play the Bar None in a baseball game. He clumsily and shamelessly hits on Melody while picking his nose. [DR] When Jake needs some hired thugs to fight Roy Bigelow, Lonnie answers the call. Unfortunately, he fails the Test of Strength and knocks himself out cold with his own fist. [JF]

Vic Vleck [Paul Secrest]
The owner of the neighboring Snake Eyes Ranch. He's a big, gruff hillbilly type possessing little regard for personal hygiene or manners. He dams up the creek that feeds Lake Benjamin, and when Mr. Ernst complains, Vleck challenges the Bar None to a baseball game. Vleck calls the national pastime the "national waste of time." [DR] Being uncharacteristically neighborly, he informs Mr. Ernst that the local wash overflowed. [JG]

walking backwards
Superstitious Jake believes that walking backwards has some sort of inverse effect upon bad luck. For instance, picking up a penny showing tails needs a day of walking backwards. After watching Mr. Ernst's debunking debacle, Jake exclaims he'll have to walk backwards for a week! [Supe]

water
The ranch is threatened by a water shortage when the seasonal drought hits hard. Unless Mr. Ernst can salvage the strained relationship with Mr. Satkina, the only well digger in town, that ranch might run out of water. [Rain]

waterslide
When Ted wins the lottery and buys into the ranch, the first thing he does is order a giant waterslide. When Mr. Ernst finds out, he immediately cancels the order. [MM]

Wink Wellman
The host of the popular game show Brainbusters. Danny says he's allergic to people named Wink. Of course, one (just about) conjures up images of Wink Martindale, host of such sophisticated game shows like "Tic Tac Dough" and "Can You Top This." According to Jake, "wink" is a voluntary eye spasm. During the Brainbusters practice game, Mr. Ernst dons a bow tie and plays the part of the Wink Wellman. [Supe]

Uncle Wilfred
Ted's uncle in Kalamazoo. He's the recognized authority on anything strange or weird. Ted feels Mr. E should consult him about aliens spotted at the Bar None. [TMTYL]

Mrs. Wilkins [Vicki Kinney]
A portly female guest of the Bar None (credited as [Guest]). She's in the lodge when Ted comes in from his lake dunking. Ted is concerned about her back pain. Later, she raises Mr. Ernst's interest by calling Ted a "weirdo". Presumably, Ron is her husband. [IRTA]

Wilma
Jake's mother, and presumably Mr. Ernst's sister (because Jake's last name is Decker). To Buddy, she is Aunt Wilma. She sends Jake off to the Bar None for the summer for Mr. Ernst to supervise. Apparently, she is too busy with her corporate marketing meetings and such. From the way Jake talks, both Wilma and her husband sound a little neglectful in the parenting department. [NKOTB]

Mr. Wilson [uncredited]
He drops off Ted at the ranch in the premier episode. Ted hitches his ride in the back of the old Chevy pickup. Mr. Wilson has a bushy mustache and a cowboy hat, and tells Ted to have a good summer. [D1BN]

Uncle Winston
Brad's uncle. Apparently while she had been learning to swim as a kid, her Uncle Winston dropped her into the pool on accident at a party her parents were having. Ever since, Brad has had a fear of water. [Fear]

World's Largest Toothpick Sculpture
A scale model of Manhattan built entirely from toothpicks. Mr. Ernst buys this attraction in the surefire hopes of drawing huge crowds and making vast amounts of money. But during delivery, Danny hits a bump in the road a little too fast, and the sculpture disintegrates. Mr. Ernst is distraught, because without the sculpture to draw crowds, he can't make the ranch payment. Ted comes along to save the day, but when that falls through, Jake is able to sell the toothpicks to some visiting Gypsies, letting Mr. Ernst break even. [MM]

Zamboni's magic kit
The magician and escape artist, the Great Zamboni, leaves his suitcase full of magic tricks behind. Buddy itemizes the contents as he excitedly rummages through it. It contains: a top hat, from which small furry animals are extracted; an endless stream of hankies; a magic wand; trick handcuffs; a deck of trick cards (they're all the ten of spades); and a flaming book. Unfortunately for Brad, the magic wand does not make Ted disappear. Unfortunately for Brad, the trick handcuffs are not trick handcuffs. [T&BGH]

Zamboni, The Great
A magician who stays as a guest and performs magic for the Young Buckaroos at the Bar None. But he pulls his own disappearing act and skips out on his rather extravagant bill. In his haste, he leaves behind his magic kit. In it, the kids find the "trick" handcuffs that Ted uses to chain himself to Brad. Of course, the cuffs are real, a result of Zamboni's earlier encounter with the Tulsa police. If the name "Zamboni" sounds familiar, you're probably a hockey fan. Fifty years ago, Frank Zamboni invented the ice resurfacing machine that still bears his name. [T&BGH]

Zardof
A comic book about little furry space creatures from this planet. Ted and Danny appear to be fans of this comic, But they may be making it up to kid Buddy, whose claimed to have seen aliens on the Bar None . [TMTYL]

Zardok
The code word Buddy uses to cause Jake to act upon the post-hypnotic suggestion to dump his breakfast cereal over his own head. Jake continually misinterprets this and dumps the cereal over Buddy's head. Jake later admits that he was faking the "zardok" reactions. [NNMNG]

Zog [Hal Melfi]
The leader of the Ladavian clan that visits the Bar None Ranch. Despite his phrasebook, Zog speaks very poor and nonsensical English. Zog behaves just as nutty as the rest of his bunch. [MM]
Prior (H-R) S-Z