The local newspaper. When Danny creates The Dud Ranch comic strip, Jake sends it in to this paper. They publish it, but because of its unflattering portrayal of Danny's friends, it causes some problems. [Dude]
Darby Mining Co.
An apparently careless mining company. They left an abandoned mineshaft on the Bar None property. At least it's marked by a skull-and-crossbones warning sign. Melody falls into it during her competition with Brad to lead an overnight. [Comp] The bank-robbing pilot throws Mr. Ernst, Ted, and Buddy down the same mineshaft to keep them quiet during his getaway. [CL] It's fair to speculate that the mine is named after Geoffrey Darby, the executive producer.
Daughters of the Pioneers of the Eastern States
Brad is well familiar with this society group, and, according to her, it consists of "a bunch of rich ladies that get together once a year, throw a big party, and then gossip about whoever doesn't show up". Edith Hilliard visits the Bar None to determine its suitability for the annual dinner dance. [HC]
Dave, Master of the Nose Flute
During the Capture the Flag game, the Blue Team captures Melody. They threaten to play Mr. Ernst's nose flute cassettes in order to determine the location of the Red Flag. But Melody is long past the point of playing games and volunteers the information anyway. But what is a nose flute? The sample they play sounds more like a regular or synthesized flute. But since the "Dave, Master of the Nose Flute" line comes from Jake's mouth, it could be BS. You know that Jake. [War]
Tawny Dawn
Wink Wellman's beautiful assistant on the popular TV game show Brainbusters (she reads the numbers off ping pong balls). Also the subject of Buddy's adolescent fantasies. Buddy gets a vicarious thrill when Jake auditions for the show, but gets the shock of his life when Tawny shows up in person. From the 8x10 Melody brought back from the audition, she looks like a Vanna White knock off. During the Brainbusters practice, Brad is forced to don a platinum blonde wig and reluctantly play the part of Tawny Dawn. [Supe]
When Ted takes over the ranch, he threatens to issue demerits for various infractions (listed below). After one accumulates ten demerits, a citation is issued. Each citation is worth one hour of free labor. Neither Brad, Danny, nor Mel seem to take the demerits or citations seriously at all. Instead, it just pisses them off. [IRTA]
The Demerit List
Tardiness
Poor workmanship
General insubordination
Littering
Humming
Squirt guns
Destroying citations
Failure to stop a citation violation
Insults
Not monitoring bunkmate's toothpaste dispersal
Etc.
A guy Melody has a crush on. Jake, proving his psychic abilities while on his "Ask Jake" kick, tells Melody that he is blond, works at the Pork Rind Hut at the mall, and escaped from jail last week. [DD]
The name on a bowling trophy Mr. Ernst ordered to help juice up the Employee of the Week contest. When Brad reads the nameplate, Mr. Ernst exclaims, "They were supposed to remove -- I mean, uh -- Hey, wait a minute, this is used!" Yeah, that's the ticket. [EotW]
Daughter of an Industrial Prince. When Melody kids to D.O.P.E.S. representative Richard Hilliard that her mother is more of a "dip", Richard misinterprets the joke. Richard is impressed. Brad admits her mother is a DIP. [HC]
Dody
The church lady who sold Miss Andrews the winning raffle ticket. The grand prize? A holiday weekend at the Bar None, the summer home of Miss Andrews' star pupil, Ted McGriff. [TP]
A ranch with a bunch of girls. At a rodeo, Ted humiliates himself when he falls off his saddle into a bunch of poop -- landing right in front of the Double O girls. [DD]
Drab
The unflattering Dud Ranch comic strip version of Brad. Drab wears a feedbag over her head, and she never dates because she is too picky and never gives anybody a chance. [Dude]
dropophobia
The Jakified term for the fear of being dropped. Buddy suffers from this irrational fear, but overcomes it when he learns the reason for his phobia: when he was a little infant, Mr. Ernst accidentally dropped him. [Baby]
dropping babies
Ernst affliction #57. Mr. Ernst is very uncomfortable around babies, perhaps because he dropped Buddy when he was an infant. This directly correlates to Buddy's fear of being dropped (dropophobia). Mr. Ernst finally conquers his fear when he is left alone to pacify a crying Baby Fleeman. [Baby]
drought
A seasonal drought dries up the Bar None water supply, threatening the ranch's survival. [Rain]
The Dud Ranch
Danny's original comic strip, a biting satire of life on the Bar None. Any similarities to actual persons or events have been carefully and cleverly obfuscated. It starts off as a lark, but when his agent Jake sees the talent in the work, he gets it published in the local paper, The Daily News. As the Hey Dude staff recognizes the public lampooning of their personal lives, they implore Danny to tone it down. After alienating his friends, he eventually does, but the newspapermen don't like the "cute and nice" version and drop the comic strip. [Dude]
dummy
A guest leaves behind a ventriloquist's dummy. Jake borrows it and uses it to mock Mr. Ernst. But his uncle overhears the joking and warns Jake that one more mistake will get him fired. When Jake soon makes that mistake, the kids cover by inventing a new employee, Jed, to take the blame. As the Jed story escalates, the kids build a cloth dummy of Jed. [LoJ]
dyes
Let's let Danny describe it: "Well, for hundreds of years, certain clothing dyes did come from Indian sources. In particular, there was a very deep shade of red the British used –" This does not bode well for Ted, because the only thing Ted is wearing is a bath towel dyed a very deep shade of red. The pair made a bet that Ted can't go a week without using things the Indians provided. [BB]
Mr. Ear-nest
The unflattering Dud Ranch comic strip version of Mr. Ernst. The character is a clumsy buffoon. [Dude]
A Muscle Beach type guest of the Bar None. Melody has a crush on him, but it's a secret. But to test Ted's ability to keep from blabbing secrets to Melody, Danny tells him that a female staffer has a crush on Eddie Hammerfink. Ted keeps technically true to his promise not to "tell" secrets to Melody, so he acts out the secret in charades. Melody derives great joy in figuring out what the secret is and who has a crush on whom, until it turns out to be her! [LL]
Melissa Edwards[Victoria McGee]
One of the Miss Bar None beauty pageant judges. She's a former winner of the Miss Tucson contest. Melissa is also a bit spacey, as she communicates through her hand puppet, presumably her "talent". After the contest, she and Mr. Ernst hit it off, albeit through hand puppets. [MT]
A contest Mr. Ernst conjures up to recognize outstanding staff performance. It backfires when it sparks a heated competition between Melody and Ted. [EotW]
Ernestine
A snake that Danny uses in his nature demonstrations. Unlike Gertrude, Ernestine is poisonous. When Ted gives a nature lecture to the guests, he decides to leave Ernestine in the box. [PitN]
Ernst family motto
"We Like Math". While Jake tries to avoid a fight with Roy Bigelow, Mr. Ernst reminds Jake of the other motto: "An Ernst Never Backs Down". Jake has never heard this one. [JF]
Sam Ernst
"Uncle Sam" to Mr. Ernst. After graduating from accounting school, Mr. Ernst "served a stint with Uncle Sam." His father's brother owned a hardware store. [TP]
"Scoop" Ernst
Mr. Ernst's nickname when he was a college journalist. He exposed the scam at the cafeteria. They were trying to stretch the meatloaf with sawdust. [CE]
Ernst's Miracle Desert Sod
Mr. Ernst decides to sell the ranch and concentrate on this new invention: grass that grows in sand. Buddy fears that his dad will cover the state with it, and he'll have to mow it. However, Mr. Ernst cancels the ranch sale. Really because of the efforts the kids made to convince him to keep the ranch. But the fact that his Miracle Sod all turned brown made the decision easier. [CE]
Ernstier mineral water
When Mr. Ernst busts a water main trying to install a sprinkler system, he mistakes the water spout as a natural spring. Immediately, he conjures up "Ernstier", a mineral water scheme that'll make him a fortune. (It rhymes with Perrier -- at first I though he was saying "Ernsty-Ade"!) [CL]
Mr. Everett
A Bar None guest and former Olympian. Melody tells Danny and Brad how Mr. Everett was doing backstroke laps in the pool. Jake mistakes his flip turn for a drowning man, and he makes an inappropriate rescue attempt. [NKOTB]
"The First Americans"
The essay the Ted finally finishes, chronicling the contributions of the American Indians to the Old West and today. Mr. Ernst is very impressed by the write-up, but Ted grudgingly admits that outside research (Danny) provided most of the material. An early draft where Ted called the Indians "savage" leads to a bet where Ted is unable to use Indian items for an entire week. Ted learns the hard way that everything in the world except Hondas, voodoo, and the M4 Sherman tank were invented or discovered by the Indians (and voodoo is debatable). [BB]
First Annual Miss Bar None Competition
In order to determine who gets to represent the Bar None in the Miss Tucson pageant, Melody and Brad compete against each other for the ranch tiara. Melody takes the contest very seriously, and becomes increasingly agitated as Brad keeps pace. Things finally come to head when Melody breaks down, explaining that contest means so much to her because she felt fat and unattractive when she was younger. Melody wins the contest, but abdicates the crown after putting things in persepective. [MT]
fish and potatoes
The Ladavian weapons of choice. Whenever the word "ernst" is mentioned, the Gypsies pelt the offending party with fresh fish and potatoes. [MM]
Mr. Flabbybottom
This is what the Ladavians decide to call Mr. Ernst, especially since "ernst" has a very offensive meaning in their own language. [MM]
Baby Fleeman (Max)[Nicholas P. Penta]
A baby left behind at the Bar None by his addlebrained mother. The kids take care of the baby depsite Mr. Ernst's orders to the contrary. Max has a twin brother, Rex. [Baby]
Mrs. Fleeman[Laura Innes]
She inadvertently leaves her infant son at the Bar None, and the smitten Bar None kids take care of the baby. She is dangerously deficient in the short-term memory department. After returning to retrieve Baby Fleeman, she departs without realizing she's left her purse behind at the Bar None. [Baby]
Fluffy
When hancuffed together, Brad describes how Ted kept calling out the name "Fluffy" throughout the night. She speculates that Fluffy is a stuffed toy Ted slept with at home. Ted pretends not to know what she's talking about. [T&BGH]
Mrs. Frasier
A teacher at the Madison School, an upper class boarding school that Brad attended. Richard Hilliard hated her. [HC]
fritter stand
When Mr. Ernst considers selling the ranch to shopping mall developers, the main lodge will be the only structure left standing. The plan is to turn it into an authentic fritter stand. From looking at some recipes, a fritter is some kind of battered, crunchy, pan- or deep-fried whatever. Ted hates fritters. [CE]
Fun N'Stuff
This is a fun park Ted and Danny consider bringing their double dates to, but the date never develops due to funding shortages. Don't know if this is real place or not, but there is a real place called Golf N'Stuff just down the way on Tanque Verde Road. [OLC]
funnelator
A funnelator is a weapon designed to hurl water balloons over great distances. It is usually constructed out of surgical tubing and a funnel. Using a funnelator, the guys sneak attack the girls as they lounge on the lake. [Supe]
fry bread
Traditional Indian food, and it's just like it sounds: deep fried bread. Danny remembers to bring some to a grateful Ted as they return to Bar None for the summer. [D1BN]
fungus mold
Buddy's science project from school. He mentions this when forced to consume Ted and Danny's homemade cupcake concoctions. [BotS]
Mr. Garfield
Ted's history teacher, whom he describes as "The most boring man alive". If Ted had to be handcuffed to someone, Mr. Garfield would be his last choice. [T&BGH]
Gerald, the waiter[Donn Taylor]
The waiter at the expensive restaurant Ted takes Brad to on their date. He looks like a pinchy faced version of Jeff Daniels (the blond guy in Dumb and Dumber). [Date]
Gertrude
A snake that Danny uses in his nature demonstrations. Unlike Ernestine, Gertrude is not poisonous. But when Ted takes over the nature lectures for an injured Danny, Gertrude escapes from her cardboard box, spooking the staff and guests. [PitN]
Gilded Steps
When Ted finds hints leading to treasure, one of the lines cryptically reads, "Start beneath the gilded steps". Ted later figures out that that's a reference to some gold horseshoes hanging in Mr. Ernst's office. [TT]
When Ted takes over the ranch, he awards gold stars. "The secret of good discipline is rewarding good behavior." Well, Ted never gets the chance. [IRTA]
Earn a Gold Star Today! Here's how...
The Gold Star List
golf balls
For the Brainbusters practice game, the question numbers are written on golf balls instead of regulation ping pong balls. Tawny Dawn (Brad) has a little problem reading through the dimples. [Supe]
The Great Flood
Daznny's big secret is that he was the one who overflowed the bathroom in Mr. Ernst's office. The only person who knows is Ted. Until he tells it to Melody, who then blabs it to Brad. The exposure makes Danny want to throw up. [LL]
Mr. Griggs[Johnny Greenwood]
The humorless insurance agent in charge of renewing Mr. Ernst's policy. The insurance poolicy He warns Mr. Enrst that unless the entire staff is certified in life saving, the pool must be closed. Brad is afraid of water and looks certain to fail the test, so Mr. Griggs suggests a solution: fire her. [Fear]
guys
When it's boys against the girls for a week's worth of chores, Ted worries little about the outcome of the riding race. Why? Because of "precedent". As Ted reasons, "All the greatest winners in the world have been men," and he lists off Alexander the Great, Julius Caesar, Mike Tyson, Napoleon, Superman, and Joe Montana. Ah, but Ted doesn't that for every winner, there's a loser. Ergo, the greatest losers in the world have been... [BotS]
