A-C

Next (D-G)

100m freestyle

This is the swimming event Melody trains for, at the suggestion of Coach Daniels. [OLC]

alien pits

To prepare for an alien invasion of the Bar None, Mr. Ernst orders the digging of alien pits. Ted and Brad are tasked to dig thirty-five camouflaged holes to trap the aliens. During the dig of hole #6. Brad explodes into a wonderful fit of anger, calling the pit idea stupid. Ted has the pits mapped out, but when Mr. Ernst tries to follow the map, he falls into one (off camera, of course). [TMTYL]

Aloicious

This is Ted's middle name, and his big, embarrassing secret. When Ted and Melody's loose lips get the other kids red-faced, they turn the tables. Melody gets tricked into telling Ted himself the juicy secret. [LL]

Miss Andrews [Laura Innes]

Ted's high school English teacher. She's an attractive woman, but her pinchy voice, nerdish appearance, and propensity to correct grammar fit more into the old bat stereotype. She unexpectedly pays a visit to the Bar None as a winner of a raffle ticket contest. Miss Andrews is happily surprised to find Ted working on the Ranch, but her' presence makes Ted feel uncomfortable. Mr. Ernst, however, develops an immediate fondness for her. The feeling is mutual, and their developing relationship threatens Buddy. So Ted and Buddy join forces and conspire to get her on the outs with Mr. Ernst. To Ted, she's "Old Lady Andrews". To Ben, she's "Annie". [TP]

ankle sprain

When Ted and Kyle's jeep breaks down, Ted steps off wrong and sprains his ankle. Then he sprains the other one. Unable to operate the jeep's clutch, and Kyle blinded by radiator steam, the arguing pair seem stranded unless they work together. [JG]

Arizona Lottery

Ted wins third prize in the lottery, good for $150,000. With his winnings, he decides to half into bonds and CDs, and with the other half, he becomes Mr. Ernst's partner in the Bar None Ranch. But at the check presentation, the lottery official discovers from Ted's driver license that he's underage. A lottery winner cannot be under 18 years old. Ted must work the summer on the ranch to make up the money he spent. [MM]

arm spasms

Ted becomes suddenly afflicted with arm spasms while he and Brad are handcuffed together. The two are trying to share a bunk bed until Brad's leg cramps interrupt his snoring. Ted's "arm spasms" cause him to whale on Brad with his pillow. [T&BGH]

Ask Jake

People are always asking Jake for answers to just about every and any question, so he decides to make 'em pay with his "Ask Jake" service. Jake claims he can answer questions about anything except the future. His first customer is Ted, who is upset at the flirting he sees between Brad and Kyle. Ted twists Jake's advice into a scheme to make Brad jealous by asking Melody out on a date. Later, Jake rights things when he suggests to a contrite Brad and Ted that they do all of Melody and Kyle's bathroom cleaning chores. A desperate Mr. Ernst "asks Jake" about sideburn length. [DD]

asparagus

When Ted takes a personality test, his score puts him on par with an asparagus. When he re-takes the test, he scores lower, making an onion seem interesting in comparison. [CE]

babe

Roy Bigelow calls Brad "babe", as in "I don't know what this babe's problem is." This term infuriates Brad, and she nearly has her own fight with Jake's impending nemesis. Moral: don't ever call Brad "babe". [JF]

"Ballad of the Bar None, The"

A music video idea Ted has for the Bar None promotional video. Backed up by the Tedettes, it goes:

This is the Ballad of the Bar None Ranch
If you like lots of action you'll give it a chance
The hero of our tale is a man named Ted, Ted, Ted!

The last line, as Ted starts singing it, sounds like the tune to The Beverly Hillbillies. The last line, as Ted finishes singing it, sounds like a dental patient immune to novocaine. [GBO]

Bar None Fashion Accesories

Another one of Mr. Ernst's brainstorms to "publicize the ranch and make vast amounts of money". The staff is encouraged to wear the official fashion accessories, which include bowlers, top hats, bow ties, suspenders, and dress socks. The clothing is boldly emblazoned with "BAR NONE" in block letters. Forced to wear the getup, Brad utters, "This...is a fashion conscious person's nightmare." Later Mr. E replaces the sputtering line with foam ten-gallon hats. [RfR]

Bar None Merchandise

Another one of Mr. Ernst's brainstorms to "publicize the ranch and make vast amounts of money". Items include spaghetti sauce, mayonnaise, pickles, boot polish, and salad dressing. The goods bear a crude yellow label bearing Mr. E's caricature. Now, from where does Mr. E order this stuff? [RfR]

Bar None Promotional Video

Another one of Mr. Ernst's schemes to publicize the ranch. As usual, he goes overboard, donning a beret, ascot, sunglasses (flip up, of course, not prescription), and shouting direction through a megaphone. His minor masterpiece is ruined when he and his camcorder sink to the bottom of the pool. [GBO]

barbecue

Let's let Danny describe it: "The Indians first made sauces to spread over roasted meats and fish. In fact, 'barbecue' is an Indian word." Then Danny confiscates Ted's plate of barbecue because they've made a bet that Ted can't go a week without using things the Indians provided. [BB]

barbecue sauce

During a hectic lunch, Sam the chef asks Melody to carry the leftover barbecue sauce back to the kitchen. But Melody is so flustered that she trips over a tree root and douses herself in the saucy concoction. She angrily confronts Danny and Brad for abandoning her during lunch. [NNMNG]

baseball

When Mr. Ernst complains that the Snake Eyes Ranch has dammed up the creek that feeds Lake Benjamin, Vic Vleck challenges the Bar None to a baseball game. Thanks to a last inning, two out home run from Mr. Ernst, the Bar None Brawlers win the game and save their lake. [DR]

beige

When Sara, Mr. Ernst's real estate agent ex-wife from New York, visits the Bar None, she comments on how beige everything is. [EXS]

Bear, Mr.

A teddy bear Jake uses as a therapy device. When Melody is called a sap, Jake persuades her to honestly vent at Mr. Bear. She ends up strangling the stuffing out of it. [NNMNG]

Best Boss of the Decade

The kids award Mr. E with this coveted honor after he calls off the Employee of the Week contest. After all, they have to do something with all the great prizes (a hunk of wood, a used bowling trophy, and a beauty queen tiara). [EotW]

Betty [uncredited]

A young, braces-wearing staff member who occasionally watches the front desk. She watches the Brawler-Snake Eyes game from the stands. [HC] [DR]

Biff

In Mr. Ernst's original murder-mystery script, this is Jake's role as Rock Lovejoy's no-good nephew. Biff conspires with Skippy (Buddy) to kill Mr. Ernst and inherit the newly-discovered gold. When Kyle gets confused by the script names, Mr. Ernst rewrites the script using the staff's real names. [MHW]

black cat

In order to prove to superstitious Jake that superstitions have no basis in reality, he borrows a black cat from Eddie's Pet World and Auto Parts. Of course, the cat jumps out of Mr. Ernst's arms, causing the ladder he walked under to topple on top of him. Mr. Ernst spends the rest of the day trying to recover the escaped cat, getting quite dinged up in the process. [Supe]

Roy Bigelow [Sean Kennedy]

A Young Buckaroo bully who terrorizes Jake when their paths collide. He's a big, swaggering, shaggy-haired loud mouth who wears a flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up. His sycophant sidekick, Shermie, always accompanies him. Roy schedules to fight Jake later in the day, and Jake tries to get out of it using every means possible. Just as he's about to board a bus for Phoenix, Jake decides to confront Roy instead. But when Jake refuses to fight, it's Roy who backs down. [JF]

Geronimo Bighorn, Jr.

In Mr. Ernst's original murder-mystery script, this is Danny's role as young, psychotic Indian brave. Junior threatens Rock (Mr. Ernst) unless he returns the gold-rich land to his father, from whom the land was stolen. When Kyle gets confused by the script names, Mr. Ernst rewrites the script using the staff's real names. [MHW]

Bill [Robert Mammana]

A Bar None guest that Melody falls for. He's with his parents on his first college summer vacation. After banging heads in the lodge, he and Melody share a date, which becomes pleasant only after Melody deep-sixes Ted's dating advice. [RfR]

Bill [uncredited]

One of adult hands at the Bar None. Returning from a trail ride, Ted tells him to take care of Sylvester. [EotW]

Billy Gerber's tennis shoes

Melody is fishing these out of the pool while Mr. Ernst shoots the Bar None Promotional Video. [GBO]

birthdays

While hinting at his own birthday, Danny asks Ted and Melody's theirs. Ted's birthday is in March, and Melody's is in September. Danny's birthday is in July - he's a Cancer. [BotS]

Blue team

For the Capture the Flag game, Brad captains the Blue Team. Jake, Kyle, and Buddy round out the roster. [War]

Boyd [Larry Bennett]

One of the Space Agency employees testing spacesuits at the Bar None. He, along with Lester, is misidentified as a space alien. [TMTYL]

Brad/Kyle Mutual Admiration Society

Ted calls Brad and Kyle this when the two decide to team up in the rodeo, being the good riders that they are. [JG]

Brad-wong

The apple of Ted-wasaki's eye. But Kyle-chang is getting in the way and ruining everything! Ted-wasaki is Ted McGriff's Asian pen pal, whom Ted is helping out when he "Asks Jake" for some relationship advice. [DD]

Brainbusters

"The singularly most popular game show of the decade…where they ask a bunch of eggheads a lot of really stupid questions," according to Buddy. Brainbusters is coming to Tucson looking for contestants, and Jake's plan to audition spurs him into a superstitious frenzy. [Supe]

Brawlers

The Bar None Brawlers are the makeshift baseball team Mr. Ernst manages. They play the Snake Eyes to save their creek from getting dammed by the Vlecks. Mr. Ernst wins the game with a pinch hit home run in the bottom of the ninth. [DR]

breaking in boots

In an attempt to break up the budding relationship between Mr. Ernst and Miss Andrews, Buddy and Ted set up the schoolteacher. They tell her to break in Mr. Ernst's new boots. The procedure is as follows:

1. Dump the boots in lots of mud.
2. Boil in water for one hour.
3. Lay outside in the sun all day to dry.

Miss Andrews enthusiastically takes the boots. Luckily for Ted and Buddy, Brad catches Miss Andrews before any damage is done. [TP]

breaking in clothes

The naive Mr. Ernst buys this reasoning when he meets Ted and Danny for the first time. Ted was just thrown from Rocket and is covered with dirt. When Mr. Ernst asks why, Danny comes close to admitting that Ted was breaking a horse, but Ted's nudge induces him to cover, subbing "his clothes" for "a horse". When Mr. E later finds Ted soaking wet after falling in the trough, they tell him that that's just next step in the breaking in process. After that, the clothes are laid out in the sun and beat with a rope. "Wow, this breaking in sounds really arduous. Ted, perhaps I could hire you to break in my clothes for me?" [D1BN]

Buggy

The unflattering Dud Ranch comic strip version of Buddy. Buddy complains he's drawn like a pumpkinhead on a stick.[Dude]

Bobby Bulp [David K. Young]

Number 49 for the baseball Wildcats, headed for the Majors. And also the brother-in-law of Vic Vleck. When the Snake Eyes Ranch challenges the Bar None to a baseball game, Vleck brings Bulp in as a ringer. Bulp homers in the game. Mr. Ernst heard once that he once ate a catcher's mitt on a dare. [DR]

Bunkhouse 7

This is the boys' bunkhouse, according to the engraved, wooden sign hanging outside by the door. [TP]

Bunkhouse 8

This is the girls' bunkhouse, according to the engraved, wooden sign hanging outside by the door. [EotW]

burp gas

During the Brainbusters practice game, Danny incorrectly identifies burp gas as a cause of ozone depletion in the atmosphere. Jake then correctly identifies burp gas as the cattle byproduct responsible for air pollution. This is only partly correct. As Wanda states in her Horse Droppings for "Superstition", the actual byproduct is methane, which is a flammable, gaseous emission from a different orifice. [Supe]

Butch

A guy who drives a feed truck at Canyon Ranch. Brad goes out on a date with him, but it turns more into "a course in equine dietary supplements". Ted can't believe Brad would go out with a guy named "Butch". [Date]

Cabin 9

Presumably, the best guest room on the Bar None Ranch. When Ted returns to the Bar None with his lottery winnings, he slips Mr. Ernst a C-note to Cabin 9. [MM]

Cactus Flat

When Ted finds hints leading to treasure, one of the lines cryptically reads, "When sunlight shines on Cactus Flat". Ted later figures out that that's a reference to a cactus tapestry hanging in Mr. Ernst's office. [TT]

Canyon Ranch

A ranch near the Bar None. It's not clear if it's a competing dude ranch or an actual working ranch (livestock). Brad goes out on a date with Butch, who drives a feed truck here. [Date]

Capture the Flag

Per annual tradition, the gang plays a form of Capture the Flag. Each team hides its flag before dark, and must find the other teams' flag before dawn. The stakes: the coveted Smelt Trophy, and "Senior Staff" title to the captain of the winning team. This year, it's again Red Team vs. Blue Team, but they must play in secret since Mr. Ernst denies them permission. [War]

carbon-based life forms

According to Danny, this is the one thing Mr. Ernst, Ted, and Buddy share in common. When the "unlikely trio" are made missing by the bank robbing pilot, the other kids can't imagine what the three of them would be doing together. [CL]

Catalina Wash

A recent rain causes the wash to overflow over the north road. Ted and Kyle go out together, only to have the jeep break down. [JG]

Kimberly Carroll [Kari Ann Kulvinskas]

A "world class obnoxious" girl with whom Brad goes to prep school. She unexpectedly visits the Bar None. This reedy blonde gal is very snooty and disdainful. She takes no small pleasure in watching Brad kowtow to her needs as a guest, even though she despises the ranch and everybody in it. She even stole Brad's last boyfriend, and doesn't hesitate to tell Brad how. Though traumatic at first, Kimberly's visit ultimately proves beneficial, as it forces Brad to look at her own behavior and attitudes and take steps to become a better person. [GBO]

chain letter

Superstitious Jake is sent a chain letter. However, because the staff passed around the letter, it finally gets to Jake a day too late. Breaking the chain means "terrible and awful things will come to pass in your life!" Jake believes his life has been ruined. [Supe]

Charlene

A guest from Cincinnati who distracts Ted into causing Danny to take a spill from a ladder. Her last name is Hamer, as we find out when Danny asks for a hammer. She asked Ted where the dining room was, and from the way she said it, Ted knew from the beginning that she really liked him. She's hard to get alone, because she's here with all her brothers and sisters. The bedridden Danny keeps Ted so busy, she leaves the ranch without ever talking again toTed. [PitN]

cheer (the girls)

Girls! Girls! Girls! Go! Go! Go! Girls! Girls! Girls! (kiss kiss) Girls! [BotS]

cheer (the guys)

Who's the best? The guys! Who's gonna win? The guys! Guys! Guys! Guys! Guys! Guys! Guys! Guys! Guys! Guys! Guys! Go! [BotS]

chicken pox

Melody and Ted come down with this illness, sending them to the infirmary. Upon their return, they stumble across several conspiracies all aimed at murdering Mr. Ernst. [MHW]

chicken suit

Brad's biggest embarrassing secret was the time she showed up at a school dance in a chicken suit, thinking it was a costume party. Of course, it wasn't. She's even sent a photo of the momentous occasion by her parents. But once Melody gets ahold of the facts, it isn't long before Ted and everyone else are in the know. [LL]

"chilavrous"

(shi lave'ris) Kyle's mangled pronunciation of the word "chivalrous. " [JG]

Child Welfare Office

Mr. Ernst orders that the Fleeman baby be taken here after he finds the kids neglecting their normal duties to care for the infant. Ted and Brad drive the baby to the office, but turn around and sneak the baby back onto the ranch. [Baby]

chili

Let's let Danny describe it: "And as for chili, well, the red beans and hot peppers were grown by Indian farmers." Then Danny confiscates Ted's chili because they've made a bet that Ted can't go a week without using things the Indians provided. [BB]

chips

Let's let Danny describe it: "These chips are full of corn. And the hot sauce full of tomatoes. You never would have seen either if the Indians hadn't grown them for your ancestors." Then Danny confiscates Ted's chips and hot sauce because they've made a bet that Ted can't go a week without using things the Indians provided. [BB]

chocolate

Let's let Danny describe it: "It's something the Indians in Mexico still use for cooking. They also made it into a drink. And before the white man came, nobody even knew about it, 'til they found it here, already in use. The Indians call it 'chocotl', or 'chocolate'". Then Danny confiscates Ted's Almond Joy bar because they've made a bet that Ted can't go a week without using things the Indians provided. [BB]

Circle J Ranch

A neighboring dude ranch. From the Bar None, Mr. Ernst gives directions: "Go right down the road here, take the right fork, go about three...nine, ten miles. You'll see a gas station. Pull over. They'll give you directions." [SS] When Mr. Ernst considers selling the Bar None, he contacts Ralph here to take ownership of his horses. [CE]

citations

When Ted takes over the ranch, he threatens to issue demerits for various infractions. After one accumulates ten demerits, a citation is issued. Each citation is worth one hour of free labor. Neither Brad, Danny, nor Mel seem to take the demerits or citations seriously at all. Instead, it just pisses them off. [IRTA]

civil defense outfit

While preparing for the alien invasion of the Bar None, Mr. E stands ready in this getup, which consists of a fishing tackle vest, hard hat, mosquito netting, canteen on a web belt, magnifying glass, binoculars, whistle, bicycle horn, rope, handcuffs, cow bell, and, of course, duct tape. [TMTYL]

Clairwood Academy

The equestrian school Brad attended until the sixth grade, located in Grosse Pointe, MI. Trying to impress high society's Richard Hilliard, Melody pretends that she attended the Clairwood Academy. [HC]

Coach Daniels [Lee Roberts]

Melody's swim coach. Coach spends a couple of days at the pool gawking at Melody, but all he's interested in is her swimming prowess. He asks Melody for a tryout, and the results encourage Coach to invite Melody to a regional swim meet. Mr. E starts referring to him as Melody's "Olympic coach". Melody eventually bows out of the meet due to the pressure, disappointing Coach, but not her friends at the ranch. [OLC]

cooking contest

During the battle of the sexes, the kids stage a cooking contest after the inconclusive riding race. Ted and Danny prepare cook up some horrible cupcake-type food products, while the girls prepare a tuna casserole. [BotS]

Cool Whip

On his date with Brad, Ted describes a tense high school baseball experience and inadvertently smears dessert topping into his hair. Later, he tells Brad that he was more "Mr. Cool Whip" than "Mr. Cool". [Date]

cotton

Let's let Danny describe it: "Say, aren't your jeans made out of cotton? Well, if it hadn't been for the cotton that was discovered in the New World, hardly anybody would be wearing them now. And isn't your underwear made out of cotton too? Have a nice walk." This does not bode well for Ted, because he wants to go on a walk to escape Danny's incessant claims of Indian inventions. The pair made a bet that Ted can't go a week without using things the Indians provided. [BB]

Cowboy Ben

After Mr. Ernst inadvertently saves Brad from getting bucked from her horse by a snake, he tells the kids to call him Cowboy Ben from now on. [CE]

craft hut

The art & crafts center on the Bar None Ranch. Mr. Ernst paints a sign pointing to it, but it points in the wrong direction. [TT]

crazy person

By her own admission, this is what Melody becomes during the Miss Bar None pageant. During her final speech, Melody publicly explains, "I messed up. I got so caught up in having to win that I became a crazy person!" [MT]

Credence Creek

The local waterway that flows into Lake Benjamin. To prevent it from being dammed up, the Bar None is forced to win a baseball game against the Snake Eyes Ranch. When Lucy explains the situation to Mr. Ernst, she refers to a little, amorphous wall map. [DR]

cupcakes

During the battle of the sexes, the boys follow a cookbook cupcake recipe for the cooking contest. Their culinary knowledge is a little lacking, however, and they improvise many key steps and ingredients. For instance, they create brown sugar by mixing cola into regular white sugar! Buddy, the taste judge, compares the final product to fungus mold. He spits it out after a nibble. "This stuff may look like my science project, but didn't taste nearly as good." [BotS]

A-C

Next (D-G)